Here, have some pointless bollox…

I’ve done it again… I’ve had an idea for one of my occasional rants and as soon as I’ve opened the site my brain stops…

I mean, I usually write these things to clear out the brain fog that comes with writing an essay but the essays I’ve had to write over the past few months have created fogs that are too impregnable… which has meant two things have happened… One (1) You haven’t had this sort of drivel filling up your inboxes and my essays have got even worse than before… 🙂

[So, where is this going?]

{I don’t know yet… I did say… Don’t you even read these things before coming in here, sleeves rolled up, chomping that foul smelling cigar, getting whiskey over everything?}

[Read them? Why would I read them? It’s not like they are real literature or reporting, is it? Just the rantings of a middle-aged wannabe hippy.]

{You’re my inner editor, for crying out loud!}

[*Sigh* I know. That’s probably why I drink.]

{Oh just… ‘k off! Koff! Cough! Sorry, tickly throat}

~Legal here sir. Can we just have a word with you about this image that has just arrived in my inbox? It’s not too clear but it appears to be of a bald white man, laughing as he urinates out of a Rolls Royce window onto lines of people in wheelchairs, outside foodbanks? At least, I think he’s urinating, the light in here is a bit..~

{Um…}

[I’ll just go deal with this shall I? You just get back to…. Whatever…]

Actually, that image… Well let’s just not go there with that image but I think I know why it suddenly arrived… And no! Not because my inner editor looks like Iain Dunkedin~Legal here sir. All of the screens in our office have just started filling up with the phrase “Work Shall Make You Free” on a repeating loop. Could you get hold of Technical for me?[I’d leave him for now, he looks like he’s on a roll.]-top desk. It’s quite a good film. Much better than the remakes of course. So yeah, him. Or you might know him from Ar…. Ahhhh er… What was I saying? You really shouldn’t let me wander off like that… You really don’t want me just wandering around down any old mental pathway… I mean, every.. I dunno… maybe every two out of three ain’t bad but what happens if we end up in “Holidays with my family”… or “Saturday nights in Helsinki?” … Christ! we could run into that thing with the bananas, the wok and the three feet of green string!!! I mean, yeah they both agreed it was fun at the time… Especially when we brought in the Swarfega™ but I’m sure… and anyway, arms aren’t meant to ben… $Technical here sir.

We’ve sorted out the screens in legal… There may be a slight smell of gas for a while but it should dissipate soon… Are you OK in here sir? Only those walls look a funny colour… and that deckchair is looking a mite worried…$

{What? Oh yes I’m fine. I’m just a bit dazed…}

$And confused if you ask me sir. I’m not sure you’re allowed to do that with a ripe pomegranate sir, and what has that young lady got in her ha{Thank you. That will be all for now.} $Right you are sir. I’ll just go and… er… Just go…$

{Yes thank you…. Could you just pop the light on as you go? I’ll just clear away these photos…}

{Yes? What is it now?}If…

~Sorry sir. I’ve just brought in the three safest topics for you this week sir. Sorry they’re a bit late sir. We’ve had to reject quite a few.~

{Right. OK. Thank you.}

So ,what do we have here?

  • My Job (and how much I love it). Oh please. As if I’d ever write anything like that.
  • Winterwatch. Hmmmm maybe… actually, that could be a killer…
  • Queen (and how they rock my world) Ooh right. I’m that bloody predictable am I? Mind you, they do help me to keep on passing the open windows…

Right so, all I’m safe to write about isHello. what’s this?

  • If completely lost: Some mawkish drivel about some imaginary misplaced childhood interspersed with gushing tributes to Lone Support Angel…

Well really! I’ve a good mind to go in there and%DEEP Storage Here Sir.

You Asked Us To Alert You Any Time Someone Put In A Request For “Bizarre Behaviour Around Old Ladies”. Well, Legal Just Put A Rush Request For Years Three Through To Eight. With A Special Urgent For Year Twenty Three. It Says Here ‘Special Emphasis: New Years Eve 1994′. Do You Want Us To Upload It Sir?%

{…K! No! I mean, no. No, thank you. That’s actually a mistake. I’ll sort it.}

Excuse me a moment, dear reader… I’ve just got to… Go and… … … TEA! Yes, that’s it. Tea. I’m just going to go refresh… I shall be but a moment..

..

.

{RIGHT! YOu fu

.*Whap!* *THUNK!*

.

.and those… no… the Red

.

… SHOES!!!

.

.now put those…

for those!!! and don*SLAM!*

.

.

Sorry about that delay, but I really needed a… Yeah you don’t need to know that… TEA! Yeah, I needed a tea… Got it now 🙂 Did you get something? No? Well maybe afterwards… As a memento…

So what was I going to write? Actually do you know what? I sort know what I was going to write but the more I thought about it the more I realised it would just be another middle-aged, disheartened, old fart just moaning on and on about how shit things are nowadays…

I mean let’s walk this way… we are heading back into earlier this week… Please keep your brass in pocket and don’t step on the cracks… Lone Support Angel and I were watching some thing or other on the idiot box the other night… Something about foxes and wind I think it was… I know it involved some freezing people sitting in the rain talking about eagles and stuff… I don’t know what they were wittering on about… I’m a city kid…

So yeah, on this program they were talking about how wooded hillsides retain up to 63% more water than bare hillsides… and they weren’t just waffling about it, they were specialists talking to specialists… and these people are sitting there say how if you plant lots of trees you get less flooding… Quite simple really… But that no matter how many times the people in power are told nothing gets done… See, it just stupid isn’t it…

The following night these same people are talking about some white rabbit or was it a hare? (Like I said, City kid)… Now this white jumpy thing is everywhere up there… Or maybe it isn’t… You see, they just don’t know… Nobody has ever really counted… But, and here’s the thing that rattled my chain, there are rules in place to control their numbers…

I’m just going to repeat that… We don’t know how many there are but there are rules in place to control their numbers!!! And why is that? Because these hares like to live in the same place as grouse… That’s right, one of the chattering class’ favourite things to terminate with extreme prejudice… So we have huge tracts of land that are not allowed to be forested and people allowed to slaughter animals of an unknown base number simply so that people with 100 year dress sense and something missing in their souls can drunkenly blast innocent creatures out of the sky…

And when these morons are not doing this? Well, they are poisoning our water or bombing children or blaming the homeless for causing the financial “crash”…

See I told you this would end up as a boring farts rant… Sorry… I’ll try to lighten up a bit….

So… Read any good books lately? Really? … And it’s good is it?

Actually, that reminds me… Is it possible to have too many books? And what would you say is a good ratio? You know what I mean? Nobody wants to look at a set of shelves and see just one subject matter do they? Well obviously Solicitors and Doctors do but they’re weird… and anyway, that’s only for the old nine to five… No I’m talking at home… I mean, I’ve got no problem if people categorise their shelves but how do you divide[ation… Right that’s it…. Oh god he’s gone off on one again… Didn’t you give him the safe topics? OK well somebody get a cup of tea ready for him… Come over here you…

Sorry about this folks. His version of normal service will be restored shortly… Just talk amongst yourselves…]

{No, no I’m fine… honestly… But what ratio graphic to non-graphic novel? Really, think about these things…}

Actually I think that’s it… I think I am going to sign off now… I really don’t have anything interesting to say anyway… But then I think you have already worked that out…

See Y’all x

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