“Customer Retention, How can I help?”

As most of you know (it should be all of you if you’ve read my “About Me” post but I don’t blame you if you haven’t) I am in the 40odd year old bracket… Add to that my gender, socio-economic situation and any other factor or influence you wish… However you look at it, I am one of those people that will either be able to sail through tech upgrades or fall into a rage deeper and redder than a deep red thing…

Of course I fall into the deep red…

I decided recently that it was time I changed my mobile phone provider… cue lot’s of research… yes, I was trying to find the best deal I could but I was also putting off the change as much as I could just in case I upset someone… I’m English, it’s what we do… So, last week the planets were aligned just enough for me to put my plan into action… Online I go… I have all the information I need, I know what I want and I know where to get it… Find correct site, find correct package, start ordering process… Thank you for your order. Tick this box and we can finalise your purchase. Cue two hours of waiting for the “Processing” icon to finish… Give up, try again tomorrow…

Tomorrow: Thank you for your order. Tick this box and we can finalise your purchase. Cue two hours of waiting for the “Processing” icon to finish… Give up, try again tomorrow…

Tomorrow… Check website… apparently I’ve ordered Three New Phones!!!?  Where’s the phone? I can’t be dealing with this!!! Right, so where’s the number?…<click>  number? <click> … NUMBER? <click>… Where’s the fucking number?? I don’t want to talk to a fucking bot, I want a phone number <click> … I want to talk to a human!! <click> Where’s the fucking number?!!!!! <click> Oh there it is…Dial… ring ring Welcome to BlahBlahWhatever Phones. To do “this” press 1. To do “that” press 2. To do <click>

to do this press <click>

to do that press <click>

press <click>

Press <click>

Thank you for calling BlahBlahWhatever Phones, All our advisers are busy at the moment please hold…

20 mins later… “Welcome to BlahBlahWhatever Phones, how can I help you?” a further ten mins and it’s all sorted… Now to wait for phone and inform current provider of contract termination at relevant time…

*images of swiftly moving clock hands and ripping calendar pages*

New phone here!!! Yay!!! Time to set up and the call current provider…

Welcome to WeDon’tCareIfWe’reShit Phones. To do “this” press 1. To do “that” press 2. To do <click>

to do this press <click>

to do that press <click>

press <click>

Press <click>

Thank you for calling WeDon’tCareIfWe’reShit Phones, All our advisers are busy at the moment please hold…

27 mins (Yes, I did time it!) later… “Welcome to WeDon’tCareIfWe’reShit Phones, how can I help you?” Yes, I would like my PAC code and to terminate my contract… “Oh, why’s that?”… You mean apart from having just waited near half an hour to talk to somebody and I’m not even offered an apology, an explanation or thanked for my patience? It’s simple darling, I’ve found a better deal so I’m ending my contract but want to keep my number so can I have my PAC code please and I’ll end my contract… “I just need to sort out a few details and I can do that for you, please hold”YOU-WILL-NOW-LISTEN-TO-THIS-SHIT-MUSIC-FOR-AS-LONG-AS-WE-DEEM-NECESSARY-TO-PUNISH-YOU-FOR-EVEN-THINKING-OF-LEAVING-US-YES-WE-KNOW-IT’S-TOO-LOUD-YES-WE-KNOW-IT’S-DISTORTING-NO-WE-DON’T-CARE-ABOUT-YOUR-EARDRUMS-OR-YOUR-SANITY-WE-ARE-GOING-TO-PUNISH-YOU-FOR-THE-NEXT-FIFTEEN-MINUTES-YOU-WILL-ENDURE-THIS-SHIT-BECAUSE-WE-KNOW-YOU-WANT-TO-LEAVE-US-ANYWAY-AND-THIS-IS-OUR-LAST-CHANCE-TO-SHIT-ON-YOU-SO-YOU-WILL-LISTEN-YOU-WILL-LISTEN“WeDon’tCareIfWe’reShit Phones, Customer Retention Department, How can I help you?”

Ah yes, finally… Hi yes, As I just told your colleague, I would like my PAC code and to terminate my contract please…. “Certainly sir, Before you do leave us can I just ask if there is anything I can do to convince you to stay?” No thank-you, I’ve already made up my mind. “Oh OK Sir, Could we perhaps look at your package and try to make it better for you?”

No thank-you, as I’ve said, I’ve made my decision, I just want my PAC code and to end my contract, thank you. “OK Sir, well at then moment if you would like we do have the Apple iPhone 6 at…” No, I’m sorry, I’ve already said, I don’t want to renegotiate my contract, I want my PAC code and to end my contract…

“I understand sir, I’ll just take a few details… What is your ####? Your ####? and your ####?, OK, so while we are waiting for that to go through, did you know if you sign up to…”

No I’m sorry, I’ve told you I don’t want you to try to talk me out of leaving, I just want my PAC code and to end my contract.

“Certainly Sir, certainly… So that’s just your PAC code and end your contract… I can do that… Did you know” Look, don’t try this again, please. Just give me my PAC code and I’ll go… “Yes of course sir, can I just ask who you were planning on going to? Because if you were thinking of WEDON’TPAYANYTAX Phones we will match any…” You’re at it again, I don’t want you to try and keep my custom, just give me what I’ve asked for and you will never hear from me again…

“Oh of course sir, I’ll have that for you straight away… Before I do can I just ask…?” NO. All I want is my PAC code and to end my contract.

“Yes yes sir I’m doing that… I would just like to ask, simply for our records of course, I’m not trying to sell you anything… Why are you leaving us?”

Honestly? It’s the contempt you show your customers…

“Sorry sir what?”

The Contempt you hold for your customers… You raise the bills each year claiming it’s the governments fault for adding VAT when I’m on a fixed price contract, you never respond to communications, just today it took me nearly an hour to get through to you and instead of doing as I have repeatedly asked you have tried to sell me another product “Yes sir, so you are going to…?” I’m not telling you. “OK sir, so that’s just your PAC code and to end your contract?” Yes, thank you. “OK, I’ll just get that for you, before you go have you….?”

NO! No I haven’t! See? See what I mean about your contempt for your customers? We have been on the phone now for nearly twenty minutes, I’ve made one simple request, one I am entirely within my rights to make and all you have done is tried to convince me to buy another product. You have acted throughout this entire conversation as if I were simply a little confused and that if I would only let you guide me I would be making the right decisions, I am a grown man, I have all the faculties and facts I need to make an informed decision and I have made one that will benefit me, now can I PLEASE HAVE MY PAC CODE AND END MY CONTRACT?!

“There’s no need to be rude sir”

PAC code got… now to begin the exciting adventure that is transfering all information on current phone to new one… and wait wait wait for old number to be reassigned to new phone… Still waiting…

 

Still waiting…

 

Still waiting…

 

[‘ere it’s getting a bit red in here]

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One comment on ““Customer Retention, How can I help?”

  1. I could write a comment here to explain what I went through that would be longer than this entry and that would just be the explanation of one of the 13 (yes!) conversations I had to try to get a phone number sorted and subsequently the phone returned for which the phone number could allegedly not be applied to. It is welling the bile in me merely to think of it.

    3 – treated me like a human being, just, I was thankful even for the just, they got my business, and they called me Sir, I felt like if they’d been present they’d have given me a gin and tonic whilst taking my wallet rather than tazering me to the floor to do so.

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